Sunday 29 April 2012

Today I have not ate. Nothing but water so thats good. Hope I can keep it up until Friday or Saturday. The Ren Fair is this weekend but ill do my best not to eat. Thursday we are going to so set up. Sometimes they have food but I can get away with not eating. So hopefully I can lose five to ten pounds before. I read you can lose like 4 pounds a day on a water fast! So I hope I can lose two a day or something. That way ill fit into my dress alittle better. I do want to take work off on a Friday or two. Hopefully I can. So today im going to be taking a bath in alittle then going to bed. Hopefully. I cant sleep well at night so I might read a book and knit for alittle. Then maybe I dont know. No foods class tomorrow so I dont have to worry about that. Speaking of foods P lied for me. The teacher asked is I had a bite and I said I did but she didnt believe me. The never dose. Then P spoke up and told her I did and flat out said " leave her alone". I wanted to cry or something. No one dose that for me. And he has been really nice lately. Im not saying he likes my but his kindness is amazing. So ya when my show is over im going to go get ready for tomorrow. Which is a supper ready cause I wax my eye borrows and do other stuff that take up to an hour ish. By the time.im done I feel pretty good about myself. Other then being a fat pig once im done im almost pretty. Once im thin I will hopefully be pretty. Maybe even get P to like me. But I cant become thin in like 3-4 weeks. But I can make myself look better. Also when I hit 150 I get to dye my hair. So I am putting money into my savings.account just incase I reach that goal this month. I plan to.spend about 100 dollars this month. Which is crazy cause 80% of it is for my hair. And the other is for the Ren fair. But I might not reach my goal so I could have alot more money next month then I would think. So I wont have to spend money on that. Pluse next month after school is out ill have a week of working 6 hours. So I should have a larger pay check. I plan to put 100 in savings for a trip ill be taking to cost my brother whose in the navy. Thats in augest. I want to be 130 or 125 by then. Maybe ill get a navy boy or twos number. I need 500 for a plane ticket. And spending money. Pluse money that ill spend before the trip. Which might be dtiny my hair again and buying some new cloths. Then after going back to.school shopping. Omg! So much spending! Anyways bath time.

Friday 27 April 2012

So im going to try and be myself from now on. Cause pleasing people is to fucking hard. Im still going to loss weight and shit. Most likely not very healthy like. But fuck it ya know. Im me and thats all I can be. So no more acting fake or stupid shit. Im not going to out to myself either. Im going to lose this weight and be happy! So first thing to know about the real me I am bisexual. I have nerd been able to admitte it but now I will. I am very picky when it comes to girls though. Infact there are two girls I have had a crush on. Both my friends. One I think is straight. The other is bi but has a girlfriend. So ya....iv never flat out said im bi...i mean I knew it just didnt want to say it. Second I like being a girl! I like pretty things! I like dresses! I want to go to a dance people! I get boy crushes and girl crushes! So ya! Eat it. Infact I might just ask G (the girl I like thats straight) to homecoming next year! I dont care if it is as friends. Third I like Taylor swift and screamo! So shut up! I love music I dont care what it is! No one can say they love music as much as me! Ill listen to anything! I listen to Korean music and German music! I love it all not just english! Fourth im a fucking wiccan! And I a damn proud! So stop saying I worship the devil.cause I dont! I worship mother earth , the god and the goddess! Fifth I am very forgiving and and understanding. So go ahead tell me anything and I will still be your friend. Ya im shy but I understand the best I can. Five complete truths about me. Oh and I asked out N. To the movies. Supper happy. Ren fair next week. Hopefully I can lose some weight during it. Also I want wait for the summer to start running. Im going to eat nothing but 150 cal salads for lunch and dinner and an egg for breakfast. That 370 a day and ill burn 600 ish at work easy. Pluse 30 mins of running at home is another 200-300 so thats amazing. Hopefully ill burn over 1000 on a normal day. I want to dye my hair so at 150 pounds thats my reward. And for every.ten pounds ill do something big like that and every five something small. Still 160 I think ill weight myself later Stay strong hope your doing better then me.

Tuesday 24 April 2012

dear god please

I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wan I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. a die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die.

Monday 23 April 2012

Really ?!

Ate yesterday. Not today. I’ll be way to busy. After work I’m going to try to go for a walk. Take my dog with me or something. I want to do this every day because I’m to tired/ lazy to run. In the summer when i get off around one in the afternoon ill start running. I’ll try to run for about 45 mins and then get cleaned up and watch my nephews. After that my dad will be home so I’ll take my dug for a walk or something. But that’s not till summer so i have to wait. In the meantime ill fast. i want to fast clear into next week but weekends are hard for me. All i want to do is eat none stop. Most likely out of boredom. So I’ll have to keep busy. Try to sleep all day. Then take a bath right before family dinner. Idk. I’ll think of something. Maybe i can fake sick or something. I’m never hungry when I’m sick. God this pisses me off. The min i get to live on my own I’m going to keep no food in my house. I’ll be able to do whatever i want. Be as thin as i want. Not have a mother shove food in my mouth. Or a father who buys nothing but fat fucking junk. I want that life. All i need to do is make it through today without any food. I am allowing soda for today. just to keep up my blood sugar. Tomorrow ill cut it down to one the none the next day. I’ll keep water fasting after that until i am forced to eat. I hope i can lose 5-8 pounds this week. If i can keep it up i hope i can lose 10-18 pounds. I’ll probably have to eat at the Ren Fair. Just lunch. When i get home I’m so tired from running all over the place(Watching kids mostly) that ill take a bath and go straight to bed. If i can’t keep it low Cal (planning on a salad that around 250-300 cals at most)i should keep losing weight throughout the week. During the week ill fast. I hope by the end of May i can weight 135ish. By the end of summer i should weight 120ish if i keep it up. I’m want to weight ,at the most, by the end of the summer 135. It would be a goof weight. I really need to stop planning for the future. But summer is just around the corner and i want a plan. I want one for the Ren Fair too. I want to lose and keep losing. I want to build muscle in the summer and just keep losing fat. I am using the school computer right now. I still need to talk to my mom about getting the internet turned on again now that my dad is working again. Ill also have to make of list of things i need to do. I can do that wall I’m up late tonight. Cant sleep and i don’t know why.

Sunday 22 April 2012

ssnap

Ok so starting my fast. Hope I can get away with it. Please go please let me get away with it. If I can lose 6 pound I will be happy. If I can keep going and lose 15 or 20 pound I go out and buy me some new pretty bras or something. Then ill start eating again slowly. Once im off the fast its a strict healthy 600 cal diet for a week or two and then fasting again. So an old guy friend contacted me. Not one that abused me but one. Used.to like back when I was being abused. I never told him I liked him cause of that fact. He was always super nice. A bit of a pervert at times but nothing to bad. He is a guy so I understand. But ya, he told me to add him on Facebook and I did. But there are two pictures of me in dresses that I look huge in that I cant untag myself in so he might see them. I am going to tell him im losing weight. Ill make up a lie that the doctor put me on a birth.control that made me gain and that im off of it and trying to loss it. Cause iv gain some pounds over the last time we talked. He will be grate support to so ya! He is really nice to so he shouldnt flip out. Shouldnt. Im kind of looking forward to talking with him again. He is joining the marines soon so thats like a huge pluse on my side. I love men who fight for our country. Big turn on. And he is a bit of a red neck. But in a cute way. Idk im not that picky with men so. He is older then me by like 2 years. He is 19 im 17 ill be 18 this year. He used to joke about him and me having sex in the back of.his truck when I turned 18. At least I think it was a joke. Idk. But ya. So he might come up in the future so we shall call him T. Also tomorrow im going to make a red bracelet to remind me not to eat. And ya I have to do laundry and get ready fir school so hopefully ill be to busy to eat. Im trying to stay up late so I sleep in and dont get up ,get bored and eat. MUST NOT EAT! And ya. Idk. My head hurts. broke down today. Nearly killed myself and said fuck it all. Had the blade to my wrist when my nephews and brother and sister walked in. Stopped me and calmed me down enough that I didnt do it. I want to say its a good thing but im not sure if it is. Cause I have never been so close before. Whose to say next time I flip I wont do it. What if I do. Then what? Well nothing duh but ...what? What happens after? Friends? Family? My stuff? Dose everything stay how it was after a week of crying then go back to normal? Like nothing happened? So easy to move on? No one cares? Forgotten so.easy? What? And if I dont do it how do I stop it? Iv get.worse....closer each time. Nothing to stop it. No one to call. What then? I know how im going to go. Its just the question of when do I finally snap.

Friday 20 April 2012

God fucking damn shit ass hell of a mother fucking bitch. I fucking hate Facebook tag. I always look so fucking god damn fat. A fucking whale would look thinner then fucking me. I want to scream. I hate photos of me. Im going to my sisters tomorrow to remove the tag. And having to post of on a for damn phone is pissing me off with its god damn autocorrect that isnt even a god damn work and the space bar is not q fucking period. Im asking my mom if she will get internet again now that me dads working. Sorry for all the bad words. Sound like a sailor ha! Im just pissed. And im not on my period so its weird cause I want to brake something. I have no patients left. And I want to fucking fast but my moms a bitch and shoves food in my fucking face. And im fat! Ya 160 pound its fucking gay! So ya sorry just pissed

Thursday 19 April 2012

Computer

I logged on to a computer at work so i cant do a long post. Anyways i failed at fasting this week. Im such a fat cow i know. But ill start fasting Sunday again. Today im eating under 1000 tomorrow under 600 and saturday ill only eat dinner and maybe and egg for breakfast. Then ill fast until saturday where ill have soup and toast then a light dinner and back to fasting. ill post more later but ya Love ya stay strong\

Saturday 14 April 2012

ok

Ok my scale says I weight like 160.5 so thats good. And I start my fast tomorrow! Im going to try to eat little at dinner but you never know. Also I am very hopeful that I may get away with no food next family dinner. But that might just be a pipe dream. And I know I said I would never do a salt water flush again but I might do it at some point in my fast. That way im all clean. Im going to do just a water fast and hopefully I wont end up passing out or something from low blood sugar. And then like 3 ish days before I break my fast ill start drinking juice. Just to slowly get my body used to calories. Anyways...about P....ya have not stopped thinking about it. I can remember walking to class and knowing that he was right behind me. How the teacher placed both him and I in the same group. Him having trouble folding the napkins...so I folded him a flower. Granted the other girl took it but what ever. He wanted to put it on my plate but I said it was ok she had it. Besides I wanted one folded by him. I remember him trying to fallow me folding the flower but ended up lost. Him moving the salad bowl seconds after it being placed. Waiting in the back of the group so he would end up walking me to the table. Him trying to copy me in the way I sit( granted I sit up straight all the time but I didnt so.he wouldnt feel.bad). Him oddly looking at me over and over again as I tried to eat the salad without.a panic attack. Him laughing cause my hand where shaking and I couldnt eat. Then I ran out the room. Got back they where cleaning up and P asked me to help with dishes. So I did until the bell rang and I had to leave for work. But ya it made me happy. And he probably laughed as I tripped over my feet. I havnt been this happy over a guy in a long time. And when I lose 20 pounds from my fast(i plan to go 23 days hopefully) maybe he will like me alittle bit. Just alittle. Idk. Maybe im being a freak and thinking to much into it and he just wanted a good grade. Maybe for my 18th birthday ill be a creep and get a room at the hotel he works at. Sometimes I worry I might end up a stalker. Anyways off.to do the dishes and still some water and sleeping pill for tomorrow so I sleep all day and never have to leave my room.

Friday 13 April 2012

Ok I wasnt going.to post today but....i think I might now have a huge crush on P. So in foods we have to do a dinner that we did today and P was setting the table. So the girl who was doing salad was putting salad on the table. I told her no dressing on mine. And she put it at a random spot. Well P room my salad and moved it right across from him. So ya than P waited until this other guy in the group escorted the girl and then he took me to my spot. Right infront of him. Also as we where eating P kept looking over at me and would try to sit up stright like me. And would put his head down when he couldnt. Anyways ya he did a bunch of little things that just made me like him. Alot. I still think.he likes S but whatever ill get thin and then he will like me. Hopefully. So ya. Pretty happy right now. And am pretty sure I wont stop thinking about him all weekend. I did freakout cause I have a hard time being touched.and eating.in front of others so I pretty much ran out the class room to calm down. Anyways im at work so ill tell you everything.when I get home.

Wednesday 11 April 2012

Salt water flush worked. Just took 3 ish hours. Didnt lose anything still 162 but hey im clean. Had a pudding and the rest of my chocolate bunny(170 total) and my other one melted so im just going to let me dad eat it. Ill have another pudding fir lunch(60) and then ill try to fast the rest of the day. I am hoping I can fast next week. And hopefully lose 5 or 8 pounds. Cause then ill have made both my first and second goal. Then hopefully not eat alot on the weekend and fast the next week too. Tomorrow we will be out of pudding but ill have toast(70) with Pam butter spray(0) and maybe put some cinnamon on it. Or ill just go to the store and but more pudding. I am going to try and go on walks over the weekend and put in more situps in the morning and when I get home from work. Or during work.

Tuesday 10 April 2012

Did the salt water flush. It was horribly cause I put in a ton of salt for it to work. So gross. And it (TMI) gave me gas. Pluse its been an hour and hasnt done anything. It is making my body make weird noises. So I hope its just taking its time cleaning out really well. But it did make me not hungery so my intake for today is 150 (counting gum) so thats good. I might just drink salt water to keep me from eating. Ill probably just do another fast next week to clean it out. Oh and it made me tired(no idea why). I was reading up on birth control and it said some can make you lose like ten pounds and make your boobs bigger. I like my boobs but losing ten pounds would be wicked. I weigh about 162. Thats at the end of the day with water salt and pudding in me pluse wet hair and cloths. Yes I ate pudding cause it only had 60 calories. And I had two (breakfast and lunch). I will probably do that again tomorrow cause of foods class. I burn 300 at my job so thats should make up for all the foods class stuff ill eat. Or maybe we wont even make anything so I wont have to eat. You all are going to think this weird but I want to be a cook. I love cooking. Just not eating. Odd I know but I can make a dinner that has 250 cal taste good and is filling. I also want to be an airline pilot, a hair dresser, a writer and a corner. I will be able to do airline and hair and maybe writer but chef and corner I dont have the money for schooling. Heres something wrote when I first feel in love with C: Why must my dead heart beat for you my blood pump for you my dry and shrivled eyes shine for you my limpless fingers reach for you my bloodless lips turn red with lust for you my death, pale face blush for you My hair and skin feel like silk for you why must i live for you breath for you think for you move for you why must i love you

Monday 9 April 2012

All hopes of fasting will end in fail this week. Only one reason. I got my period....ya its sucks. Luckly my mom is gona put me on birth control so I wont get them as much! Also when I get my period I normally put on weight like one to two pounds so that hopefully means iv lost weight cause my weight didnt change. Anyways ya. I had a 350 ish cal breakfast. I know thats alot but tomorrow ill hard boil an egg and eat that. It will be 70 cal if I put nothing on it. And then hopefully tonight andtomorrow night ill have soup and thats 310 at the most so I shouldnt go over. 1000 ya! I got my ren fair dress and its alittle small but still fits so it will hopefully be less tight when I lose atleast ten pounds. I want to lose 15 or twenty but I have 4 week tops so it might happen with 15 but twenty is most likely a dream unless I fast next week and the week after. But Saturdays are to had to avoid even foods class so it should most likely be 15 and im ok with that cause ill be in the 140s and I havnt been there for about 4 year. And we only have 7 weeks of school left so ill.have all summer to fast and work out so im hope by the end of summer ill be in the 120s im not going to push this goal cause as you get smaller the weight is harder to lose. But still Also I found a way to motivate me to start working out. The end of the world! Ya I know it wont happen and probably not in my life time. But our state is due for a big 8. Something earthquake and it might just be what I need. I also need to get used to less food cause there wont be any so I should prep my body now wall I can.(yes iv been watching.dooms day prepares and all of the people on the show are on the chubby side mostly so it help motivate me) but ya. And I want to learn parkor cause its a grate work out and is really cool looking and could help.with end of the world. I know really stupid but its ok. As long as im skinny nothing eles matter. Im also putting money in a jar to save up for pants and stuff. So that way im not spending it on food. I got like 5 dollars but its a start and less calories. I saw N today. I just waved and kept walking. Ill see P at the end of the day(if he is here). Speaking of P this was a few weeks ago but we had to wear glasses and ear plugs to feel like an old person for class and P went right up to my face. So close I could smell his breath. And said something stupid . But it was really. I dont know. Dorky and I stopped breathing and was pretty sure I turned alittle red. Then he did it again cause he thought my eyes.looked cool(everyone dose). It made me alittle happy. Even though I sure he like S. She thin and pretty and ya. But she dose seem like she might have a rude side. Im sad though cause P graduates this year. I know where he works so I could stalk him after(creepy) but I think I would look weird randomly walking around a hotel when I dont have a room. So ya next year. No crushes will go to my school. Also I was texting R last night cause he is leaving school cause his family lost their home. And he was all sad and stuff and took way to many pills. So I said.if he did it again I would cut myself. (clean for 3 months) then I felt bad after for pulling that card. I just didnt want him hurting himself. I mean I know hes sad and stuff but people truly care and love him. I did tell him how I lost my house and other things. Nothing about the ED . But ya. So ....idk iv rambled long enough. Later

Sunday 8 April 2012

Havnt gained or lost. Hopefully this week ill fast if not lose two it 3 pounds not going over 600

Thursday 5 April 2012

ttrue story

"may I please sit in the back with ray" she said this. And I had to agree.i watched as she cuddled him. I blasted the car AC in hopes it would freez my heart. A tear falls. 'dammit you cant cry here' I tell myself. I need to throw up. All the places are closed. Gas station maybe a tree. Cnt tthey will question. Pull over and just walk off. Cant they will fallow. How am I supposed to release this pain. I roll down the window. I need to scream. I hear something. Their talking. Turn up the music I musten hear their words. She lays downonn him. 'im not eating tomorrow' I tell my self. It calms me when it shouldnt. Breath. Tired. Ill fast until he leaves. When he comes back ill stop. Dose she know I like him? Dose he? Im fat Its a normal thing to hear in my head. 'good'i calm myself 'she is still here' As long as she loves me i know one day he will to. And together we cant count my bones

Monday 2 April 2012

Got my scale im so happy! I didnt fast today but I will tomorrow ill get up clean my room and then watch a movie around 5 ill take 3 sleeping pills a sleep til midnight and weight myself im laying in bed now looking at two dresses that I want to get for the ren fair but cant pick what one.im think the red rose one its small enough that when I lose 10-15 pounds it will still fit. Anyways night time. Good night

Sunday 1 April 2012

Buying my scale tomorrow. My moms said I gained about 2 pound probably 3 after today. I bought zero cal flavored water and made a list of things to do so I dont eat tomorrow. I cant wait to be at my first goal (158) so I can work on my second (155). I like to make small goals cause there easy to get to so ill most likely get to it. Im going to make a list of reward for when I get to each goal. I think at 148 or maybe 152 ill buy some summer pants maybe get them a tiny bit smaller so when I lose more weight they will still fit for some time. Ummm. Ya. I hope I can go for a walk tomorrow. My sister and I are gona go look at dresses for the ren fair when she gets off work. Hopefully burn off a hundred calories or so. Im gona try and not eat with her cause she tends to buy me food every now and then but ill just say all I want is a drink and she will probably let it go. Most of this week im just gona sleep and clean. Hopefully ill take a nap when my mom gets home and get out of dinner. I took out $60 from the bank to buy my scale and ill put the rest in a jar for my summer pants. Anyways. Wish you all luck!
Had to break my fast yesterday had a sleep over and ate to much over 2000 probable so ya. I after alot today to but I fasting tomorrow. Im gona and get rid of all the tempting food. And im making a list of stuff to do to avoid eating so ya. Im gona buy my scale tomorrow so ill tell you how much iv gained. Oh my last weight in was 159.8 so ya most likely gained 5 pounds. But who know maybe I wont eat the rest of today. In fact I wont but I am gona go to the store and buy zero cal flavored water at the dollar store. Anyways ill post more later hopefully from a computer