ii just dont kne

Pissed at my mom....ill eat tomorrow at dinner but thats it. Ill fast Sunday up until Friday ill have soup that night. And then eat dinner again Saturday and repeat. Im not sure if its me or what but my emotions are creaking out. These are things iv never felt before. Emotions scare me enough as it is after being abused for 4 year I dont need new ones.starting me. I cant hold on ti ny thought. Im missing them to fast. Ones I hang onto revolve around weight and food an.fear. I just wish my mom would suck it up and take me to a doctor ti I dint Jane to feel like shit all the time. My mind is missing its grip. I went numb ice before and um scared its gona happen again. Breath is all I can tell myself. I find my self wanting to fall asleep girls up in bed and lay there. No effort. No nothing. Just turn to dust and fade away. How do you tell people this. Explains to them this sick feeling. I want to tell...just cant. It feels like the razor blade is calling me. " its ok ...im here....ill make you feel what you need. Ill fix everything" wall the air becomes tight like ropes holding me down I try ti scream out but I am the the victim of my own abuse. I want to say its his fast. That man that abused me. Took away my soul. He made me feel this way. But how can he still cause pain without being here. The wounds he left did they never heal? Whats so wrong with me that I feel this way.... I just want to cry out Mommie please me the pain stop. I want to beg for a death for will never grant me I just want it to stop. Please I can keep this up much longer. I cant keep living like this. Someone help me before I send myself to.hell.