No more dairy. Makes me sick. So my diet yet again has changed ontop of being a vegetarian. Makes iy alot easier to get away with no food and if I eat to much just a glass of milk and it all comes up

I might be lactose intolerant. Which may work to my advantage. Also I have stopped binging but im still eating to much I have about 2 normal size meals a day maybe alittle larger but not by much.sometime ill have some left over candy but that is stoping cause it is chocolate and is making me sick. I dont know my weight but I dont think I have lost. This week im going to try and move down to one normal meal and one small one. Oh and my jaw hurts to much to eat so I dont eat my food as fast(it really takes about a hour). That makes me feel fuller sooner. Im having a lot of trouble sleeping though so have found no energy to work out. Im a fatty. And I might be getting sick so poo there. I dont think ill lose more the 10 pounds by thanks giving so im sad about that. And the reward is in the trash cause my mother got me a bra so we will do pants for the reward. Considering my other ones are getting a tad bit baggy that might be a better idea. If I see my cousin on new year I want to have lost alot of weight to rub it in her face so by Christmas(yule for me but somepeople dont know pagan holidays) I want to be max of 140 preferably 130 and 120 is my hope but it might not happen so I wont get my hopes up. Sorry this is really random and all.over the place >.< that is what my brain is like right now. Oh and I spent over half of my paycheck in less then a week. So 40 of whats left will be saved if I lose the ten the other is for gas money -.-. Im so broke its sad.

To those of you who really read my posts. I am sorry I have not updated. Iv been on and off the wagon. Did lose a good 5 pounds. Sadly I think I gained it back with my week long bing. Sigh. Im going to start out slow with 800 cals a day and a minimum of 30 min work out. In each meal im going to include an apple to keep me full and hopefully stop the bing. Also im cutting out a ton of shit I shouldnt be eating. Like butter, junk food ,oils and soda. You know the normal shit. Also hopefully I can incorporate some situps in at random parts of the day. I did drop a jean size by the way. Also there is this boy. My head is so rattled on if he likes me or not. One second he will be all over me and stuff then the next im not there. It hurts cause just when I finally start to get over him he pulls me back in. I want to yell at him to stop but I cant. God dammit. We will call him S. Ill make a side note of who people are later on my blog. So right now I have made a goal for me to reach by thanks giving. If I lose 10 pounds I get a new bra 15 and I get a new bra and pants too 20 pounds and I get all that and a new jacket I want to at the very least lose ten.

Ok

So today was shit. Tomorrow will be better. Tiny rose: Thank you so much Ill be starting at the first of the month cause i have a friend to wants to do it with me. So until then ill just stay low. Tomorrow i am go to try and only eat 400 cal. Then work out after work until i burn it all off hopefully. But i am going shopping with my mom tomorrow......grrr Also im thinking i might starting to like a guy i shouldnt. Two of my firned like him and got in a huge fight over it....soooooo STUPID HEART STUPID STUPID HEART! but i still like this other guy GAAAAA ya

Made a new diet plan

I will be starting it so so it gose like this: 6 days 600 calories. 5 days 500 calories. 4 days 400 calories. 3 days 300 calories 2 days 200 calories. 1 day 100 calories. Fast (1-3 days or as much or little as you wish) 1 day 100 calories. 2 days 200 calories. 3 days 300 calories 4 days 400 calories. 5 days 500 calories. Then repeat but starting with the 5 day and then 4 and 3 and so on and so on...until you are out of days or want to try something new. I also thought i could work in a work out plan. so like 600 cal days= 60 mins 500 cal = 50 mins 400 cal =40 and so on and so on. Im going to work in some other little stuff as well soon. I have study hall tomorrow so i plan to do it then(after i finish my math). Any ideas let me know.

hello againg

So I kinda ate whatever the past few days. But I have been fasting during the week. So whenever I eat it hurts my tummy even if it is alittle. So any "bing" wont be to big. I plan to fast Monday to Friday this week. I want to do Sundays too but it was pagan pride so I ate alittle. Anyways. I am going to try and only eat on Saturdays for family night. N broke up with his girlfriend. So I emailed him. I still kinda like him alot a bit. Just talking really I am not going to flirt. Mainly because my heart is kinda falling for alot of guys right now. Its really causing a few panic attacks. Not used to this. I can think of atleast four off the top of my head. Nop make that five. Ya. Also im braking out really.bad! Worst brake out in my life. Dont.think.i have lost much 5 pounds maybe. Ill weight in on Friday at the end of the fast and let ya know. Well got school tomorrow. Night

Dammit

Got my period today. We didn't have any pain killer so i had to go all day without it. I was fine tell the last class. The pain was so strong i nearly puked. I told my boss i couldn't work and this girl who isn't good at doing my job had to feel in for me cause no one else could. I have a feeling he will ask S to feel in for me(this guy i kinda like but don't really he is just nice and i find that attractive ). It hurt so bad i started crying. So i will ask my mom to buy me something for the cramps. I'm also going to ask her for birth control. that way its less often and shorter when i get it. Has yet to eat all day (most likely why i didn't puke). I have had two pink rockstars (10 cal each) if i can keep this up i wont eat through my whole period. Its weird i either eat everything or nothing at all. I might go to the store and buy some painkiller myself. IT HURTS SO MUCH$@#*@#*%$@#&%$@#&%!#&%!*#%@#&%&#$%& Don't know how much i weigh right now.....Look at it when this shit is over. On the bright side i normally feel really pretty during this hell. Still not worth it though. I feel bad not working but i couldnt have made it through work without dieing or curling up into a little ball

this is going to sound mean

First day of school and it was so weird. I only lost five pounds this summer but i walked in the doors and most people GAINED weight. One of by friends blimpd up to at least 50 pounds. In my head i was thinking "HOLLY SHIT IS SHE IN A FAT SUIT!?" i swear she is huge now. Its like what did you do all summer? Shove candy bars in your mouth and lay in bed? How could anyone let it get that bad. Any ways today didnt go as planned with food. I had one bad meal 1000 or more calories and some fruit. Bad bad bad but ill do better tomorrow. Tomorrows plan 1 egg and 1 egg white=85 veg=39 frozen dinner with more veg=329 fruit=100 maybe ill buy rice cakes and snack on those. Finally im the thin friend. But i want to be the thinnest.

I scared of growing up not dieing

Im starting a 500 cal diet. Right now i want to fast. But whatever. things go how they go. Dosnt matter to me as long as im 150 by my birthday (September 2) i will be happy. Maybe ill do the ABC diet even though everyone fails it. School starts tomorrow. It will be my last first day of school. I am so scared. I want to cry. I don't want to grow up. I want to go back to the old days. Playing in the mud and having fun in the woods by the house i grew up in. Everyone thinks i want thins moment and that i cant wait to leave. Part of me inside is thinking of failing every class so i don't have to leave. So i don't have to grow up. Its stupid really but im that scared. I don't want to have to worry about money or where my next meal is coming from or making house payment or rent payments. I don't want to have to work everyday for the rest of my life. I don't want to fall in love and get married and have kids. I want to be the kid. Every day im growing older and it scares me. Not the fact that im going to die soon or anything. I scared of growing up not dieing. Wheres the rewind button. Is their a phobia of growing up cause i have that.

I need a vacation

So much fucking drama at work. First this girl at my work is one mistake from being fired and she dosnt seem to care. This girl i thought was my friends told this guy i work with that i like him even though i dont. I just thought he was cute. Now he wont talk to me and shit. It isnt even me who likes him it is her. You cant tell and she keeps say "Oh i have a boyfriend" and all she dose is whine and complain about other people or the job she is doing. Really she is just as bad as the girl who is about to be fired. She just hides it better. Also everyone seemed pissed at me for some reason. Im so sick of this shit and drama. Really! this is a job people stop treating it like high school. I would kill for a vacation. The vacation song by shane dawson(a youtuber) is how i feel right now. Everything that is going on is so fucking stupid. I cant put up with it anymore. I want to be away from everyone. I want school to start. I am so close to looking for a new job. I cant put up with this shit. I swear it all started when that one girl was hired(the one that told the guy i like him) All she has been doing is starting shit and im about ready to fucking punch her and be like "WHAT NOW BITCH!" So when it comes to work -dont talk to anyone they are not worth this stress and shit -Ignore my "friend" -get the job done -dont start or listen to any shit when someone talks about it ill just say i dont care or something. -dont trust anyone Oh my gosh im so done with this. Im starting a fast tomorrow. Maybe they will all shut the fuck up if i get down to 100 pounds. maybe less. So they will stop with all this dumb shit. Starting a list of goals here - Fast for more then 5 days - get down to 150 pounds - dont eat more then 650 calories - work out for no less then 20 mins a day - get down to 140 pounds - cut out all fast food/ junk food - cut out all suger and soda - get down to 130 - get no grades lower than C+ - increase work out to no less than 40 mins a day. - try to be more like me - get down to 120 pounds - lower max calorie intake to 500 - save up for new cloths - get down to 116 Thats it for now. Ill update you tomorrow on day one of my fast. My parents leave tomorrow for 6 day.

My mothers starting to understand!

My mom said i can fast as long as its not pure water fast. I have to have three cups of juice for my "meals" and im ok with that. It will add up to 300 cals a day and i easily burn that at work alone! Pluse im going to start going for walks. Didnt get fired thank god. But a girl might. She walked out on the job with out a word as to where she was going.... she got put on probation. Im not going to go into the list of things she has fucked up but lets just say she needs to be fired. talk to you more later.

Tired of life and tired of the phone

Ok tough day. Bad day. Really bad day. Someone may or may not be getting fired at work. No one knows who and im stressing big time over it. I dont think i did anything to really be fired over though. Im still freaking out. I cant think or really do anything. Truthfully im scared. I cant lose my job. I work really well so i dont understand why. They say its cause someone was sitting down. Ok all of us sit down. Its called a five min break so they should fire everyone. Its so stupid. Only two people should be fired at work cause they suck at the job. Ya i admitted i could do a little better. But its not like I should be fired over it. I worked so hard today because i was freaking out. And there is one girl there who slacks off all the time and everytime she dose i get blamed for it too. Its fucking stupid! They should just fire her and see what a good worker i am. I feel bad saying that because she is my friend but im scared she just cost me my job! I dont think i can go one being friends with her if she keeps up what she is doing. I am sick of being blamed for her shit. My friends keep texting me. I dont want to pick up so i wont. I feel bad but i need time to myself today. We get paid tomorrow and they are taking everyone out for dinner. I will try not to eat cause i am trying to fast so fingers crossed. That i dont eat and dont get fired. Im so scared an i cant tell my parents.

Fasting Finally

Today is the second day of my fast. All has gone well. My nephew will be coming for a sleep over. I plan to make him food with meat in it so i cant eat it (vegetarian) or just stuff i don't like. I did buy him candy i have to avoid but I am hoping it wont be a problem cause i will allow buy self Orange Juice. I am about 159.8 right now. I hope tomorrow i can be 158 even and then 156 ish on Sunday. Then 155 or 154 on Monday. My mom should be getting back around then. I hope i can keep my fast going for a little bit longer after she gets home. Then I will start eating tomato soup and a few Veggies to brake it. then try to eat watermelon before going into any to sweet fruits. My work is planning on going out to eat in August around the start. Not sure if they really will but I'm going to try to get out of it. I have a hard time eating in front of people. Plus its a fatty restaurant and i would gain after. Not feeling all that hungry. My head is starting to hurt a little and i have a few cravings but I will stay strong and i will be skinny. I'm sick of being a fat ass pig. -Jane

Mom gone

My mother is leaving tomorrow afternoon. Hopefully I can use this time to fast or eat as little as possible. She will be gone for five or six days. I'm looking forward to not being forced to eat. My dad will hardly feed me. He might go to the store for TV dinners but i wont have to get anything. He never makes me eat and i love it! Today...I don't know. I want to eat but i haven't all day. I planed to just eat apples but I'm babysitting my nephews and their mom wont be home until 4 or 4:30. That is an hour from now. I just need to hold on then head home and binge on apples. They feel me up so fast that i wont eat anything over 200 calories at the most today. might not even be over 100. I'm just saying 200 as the high for today. I want to stick with and apple diet for as long as possible. My weight its about 160. Gained from a week of binging on cookies. The one thing i cant say no to. That and pizza. Ya it sucks. I want to lose 15 to 20 pounds before i go to Florida! If i can lose 5 pounds a week i could get the 20 pound weight loss before Florida. I have about Five weeks before i leave. I'm going to start doing ten to fifteen mins a day on the cross trainer and a bunch of toner stuff. That way i look good. I want to be 135 when school starts. Its the week i get back from Florida! Also today i need to work out a budget for next month cause i will be needing cloths and stuff. Grrr i hate never having enough money. My mom wants me to play for all this stuff with such a little pay check. But i did get a lower car payment when i traded in my old car so i am saving $50 a month on that. Anyways Ill see you guys later. and ya! -Jane

Fall Scare

I am posting from my phone cause of reasons. Just a few mins ago my nephew fell. He reacted normal at first crying so I picked him up. Then it got weird. His head fell back and he didnt respond. His arms curled up and his mouth puckered like a fish. He did respond for what seemed like forever. And at that moment I thought I killed him. I was sacred I had killed my reason to live..... He finally returned to normal...no one saw. No one believe me when I say to have him looked at. Im so scared something is wrong....if he is really hurt in a bad way...i couldnt live with it....

Sometimes I sit there and ask God "Why"?

Ate to much yesterday and couldnt bring myself to weigh in today. So i am fasting today and hopefully for the next four - ten days. i hope i still weigh about 158.6. If i gained i will be so pissed. I want to be around 155 pounds at the end of the week if not less. Today i will clean my room finish laundry and then take a nap. Hopefully ill wake up around 8:00 so i can avoid dinner. Also i have been drinking more water. I have diet soda maybe once a day at the most. I plan to stay up as last as i can to i sleep in really late tomorrow. Then showering and hopefully getting away with no food at all. I will weigh myself tomorrow to see if i gained or lost or stay the same.....Im tired but will have to finish my room and stuff before the nap. Anyways Love-Jane

The question isn’t who’s going to let me, the question is who’s going to stop me.

I woke up the the new numbers of 158.6 I was to tired to dance with joy but it made me real happy. Tomorrow I hope to be fasting. Mainly cause today went to shit. Sigh. I didn't eat a lot but it still made me feel sick. Lately whenever I eat it make me feel sick. No clue why. Has happened for the last three or four days but its cool. Helped me get to this new weight! Tomorrow i have a list of things to do to keep me busy. Includes going to buy some summer bottoms. Pants are just to hot. I was looking at some and found a pair I really like so. Then I will be cleaning out my car and fixing up my room. Hopefully I will get some laundry in when I'm done. After all the work is done I will reward myself with some Korean dramas and the go to bed. Going to try to cut out all soda. Just water. Also I want to stop eating candy and sugar. I don't eat a lot of it now but i would like to stop completely. Having a lot of trouble dealing with people lately. Just don't want to be around anyone. I want to be left alone but i cant. I have work and family. And everyone is fighting at work. Plus my mom is kind of needy and my father is....well he is my father. If you don't want to talk he gets pissy. A girl got hurt at work on Friday. Some friends at work and i took her some flowers. I so enjoyed seeing her smile when she saw them.

Love Jane

Mean people suck

So this guy at work V was such an ass to me. So my friends at work reported him for harassment....ya it was bad. But normaly i dont tell people when someone is harassing me so it was weird. Have not ate today. dont even feel like eating. My weight was 161.0 pounds. My hair was wet and i had food and water in me. Might be around 160 then so. Soon ill be in the 150's. Wish me luck ^_^

INTERNET!!

Hello beautiful people, I finally have a computer to use at home and a time to update. Its night right now so i have to be careful my parents are home. But I will let you know how my day went. For food i had about....4-500 calories. So pretty good. I did a fast but broke it yesterday....I felt so gross. yesterday...was bad...i didn't eat a lot its just what i did eat was...unhealthy. Ill try a fast again soon though. I hate it when i have no choice but to eat. Grr. So i made a new rule - only eat when there is no other choice. That's hardly ever so i should be OK. I stopped running. I can never run on my period. So I'm going to try zumba or something after work. I have been hanging out with my friend H a lot lately. N has a girlfriend (not me) now P is out of my life. And B is...well B. F is a new guy....has a girlfriend though. Normally when a guy has a girl i don't feel anything but for some reason with him i do. I am starting to tell people about my past abuse too. No guys just a few girls. I told them that's why i don't want to or like to be touched unless I'm close enough with a person. I am so tired of work right now. It was drama all day today. Just...no. But i do get paid Sunday. I plan to buy some pants or something that are a little tight but i can still wear and just loss weight so they are loss. Then buy another pair. I bought a nice journal that i plan to wright letters to Ana in. I read it as a tip somewhere so i hope it helps. Also i need a hair cut so if I get to 155 Ill have it as a reward and get a trim. Hopefully with having a computer i will just forget to eat. Also i need to remember to clear the history so my mom doesn't find this one like she did the last. I had it made on that one. So many friends and people to trust and now it is gone. Good night-Jane

Computer

Finaly a computer! I cant wait for my mom to get the internet again. Im going to talk to her about it later. Today when into the hell hole. I had two small peices of cake. 150 each. 300 pluse my apple that is 85.and a bite of cookie and some lemonade so 100. thats 485 and its only 8:14 am. Im a pig. Ill go home and have a salad. Should be 200. Dinner ill try to get away with just an apple.(85) That is 770. Its under 1000 but still isnt good. I am filling in at work for someone. That is 600 cal burned at work and ill take my dog for a walk to burn another 100-200 hopefully. God everything would have gone as planned if my teacher didnt make that stuff and my firneds didnt shove it at me. My head already hurts from the sugar. Anyways. Tomorrow will be better right! Tomorrow will be two apple and a salad. Hopefully under 600 calories. Well ya. So this weekend ill be driving down town to see my friend. Havnt seen her in a few months though so. She was raped by her step dad. Very sad and i miss her. She is always so bright. Its nice knowing she wont let things get her down. Im going to give her this necklace of mine that she like. She graduated this year. i graduate next year. I also signed up for a collage class. Its my back up plan for a job. I hope i get in so i dont have to worry about not having a back up plan. Please let me get it. I should have done this last year. anyways ill talk to you guys later.

hi

You have no idea how tired I am. It was the final day of ren fair and I took my cousin. I dont like her very much. And she boy hunted all day. Even sat at an older mans age cause she like.older men. Um she is 16....really. It was nice thought cause.she was.chubbier then me. Looked like.she put on weight. Also I found an old pair of jeans that are a tad to small so they are my goal to fit in them. Tomorrow meal plan: 1 kiwi=50 1 apple=80 Dinner???=350 After dinner or before I will take my dog for a really long walk. I want to try and go around this path by our house cause one time around is one.mile. I would like to do two or three. Maybe run it. Then come home and do crunchs and other things. Take a bath and go to bed. I want to lose 2-3 pounds this week. I think I gained but I have not looked. I ate like crap these past three weeks. I bet I am 167. But ill tell you on my next post. Any ways bed time I am to tired.

A few days ago I found out I fit into a size 10. Ya its still a large size and its alittle tight but it fits. And iv been wearing a size 14 that was always to fucking lose. I didnt have to pull up my pants once! It was pretty cool to me also doing another salt water flush. I know so soon. But iv been eating like crazy so I thought it be a good punishment. My parents think my grandpa is going to die. There wrighting up his will and everything....i know I should care but I dont....he has lied to me and acted like he loved me when he dosnt. My parents are talking about my drugie aunt.and how shes back on drugs and is losing weight. She is getting real skinny . Dont care. This augest when we go see my brother I want to be 140 atleast if not lower. And I will lose it. This summer ill have time to work out. Hope I can do 45 mins at a minimum. I would like to do an hour but I wont push it. Eat as.little as i.can.

Today I have not ate. Nothing but water so thats good. Hope I can keep it up until Friday or Saturday. The Ren Fair is this weekend but ill do my best not to eat. Thursday we are going to so set up. Sometimes they have food but I can get away with not eating. So hopefully I can lose five to ten pounds before. I read you can lose like 4 pounds a day on a water fast! So I hope I can lose two a day or something. That way ill fit into my dress alittle better. I do want to take work off on a Friday or two. Hopefully I can. So today im going to be taking a bath in alittle then going to bed. Hopefully. I cant sleep well at night so I might read a book and knit for alittle. Then maybe I dont know. No foods class tomorrow so I dont have to worry about that. Speaking of foods P lied for me. The teacher asked is I had a bite and I said I did but she didnt believe me. The never dose. Then P spoke up and told her I did and flat out said " leave her alone". I wanted to cry or something. No one dose that for me. And he has been really nice lately. Im not saying he likes my but his kindness is amazing. So ya when my show is over im going to go get ready for tomorrow. Which is a supper ready cause I wax my eye borrows and do other stuff that take up to an hour ish. By the time.im done I feel pretty good about myself. Other then being a fat pig once im done im almost pretty. Once im thin I will hopefully be pretty. Maybe even get P to like me. But I cant become thin in like 3-4 weeks. But I can make myself look better. Also when I hit 150 I get to dye my hair. So I am putting money into my savings.account just incase I reach that goal this month. I plan to.spend about 100 dollars this month. Which is crazy cause 80% of it is for my hair. And the other is for the Ren fair. But I might not reach my goal so I could have alot more money next month then I would think. So I wont have to spend money on that. Pluse next month after school is out ill have a week of working 6 hours. So I should have a larger pay check. I plan to put 100 in savings for a trip ill be taking to cost my brother whose in the navy. Thats in augest. I want to be 130 or 125 by then. Maybe ill get a navy boy or twos number. I need 500 for a plane ticket. And spending money. Pluse money that ill spend before the trip. Which might be dtiny my hair again and buying some new cloths. Then after going back to.school shopping. Omg! So much spending! Anyways bath time.

So im going to try and be myself from now on. Cause pleasing people is to fucking hard. Im still going to loss weight and shit. Most likely not very healthy like. But fuck it ya know. Im me and thats all I can be. So no more acting fake or stupid shit. Im not going to out to myself either. Im going to lose this weight and be happy! So first thing to know about the real me I am bisexual. I have nerd been able to admitte it but now I will. I am very picky when it comes to girls though. Infact there are two girls I have had a crush on. Both my friends. One I think is straight. The other is bi but has a girlfriend. So ya....iv never flat out said im bi...i mean I knew it just didnt want to say it. Second I like being a girl! I like pretty things! I like dresses! I want to go to a dance people! I get boy crushes and girl crushes! So ya! Eat it. Infact I might just ask G (the girl I like thats straight) to homecoming next year! I dont care if it is as friends. Third I like Taylor swift and screamo! So shut up! I love music I dont care what it is! No one can say they love music as much as me! Ill listen to anything! I listen to Korean music and German music! I love it all not just english! Fourth im a fucking wiccan! And I a damn proud! So stop saying I worship the devil.cause I dont! I worship mother earth , the god and the goddess! Fifth I am very forgiving and and understanding. So go ahead tell me anything and I will still be your friend. Ya im shy but I understand the best I can. Five complete truths about me. Oh and I asked out N. To the movies. Supper happy. Ren fair next week. Hopefully I can lose some weight during it. Also I want wait for the summer to start running. Im going to eat nothing but 150 cal salads for lunch and dinner and an egg for breakfast. That 370 a day and ill burn 600 ish at work easy. Pluse 30 mins of running at home is another 200-300 so thats amazing. Hopefully ill burn over 1000 on a normal day. I want to dye my hair so at 150 pounds thats my reward. And for every.ten pounds ill do something big like that and every five something small. Still 160 I think ill weight myself later Stay strong hope your doing better then me.

dear god please

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Really ?!

Ate yesterday. Not today. I’ll be way to busy. After work I’m going to try to go for a walk. Take my dog with me or something. I want to do this every day because I’m to tired/ lazy to run. In the summer when i get off around one in the afternoon ill start running. I’ll try to run for about 45 mins and then get cleaned up and watch my nephews. After that my dad will be home so I’ll take my dug for a walk or something. But that’s not till summer so i have to wait. In the meantime ill fast. i want to fast clear into next week but weekends are hard for me. All i want to do is eat none stop. Most likely out of boredom. So I’ll have to keep busy. Try to sleep all day. Then take a bath right before family dinner. Idk. I’ll think of something. Maybe i can fake sick or something. I’m never hungry when I’m sick. God this pisses me off. The min i get to live on my own I’m going to keep no food in my house. I’ll be able to do whatever i want. Be as thin as i want. Not have a mother shove food in my mouth. Or a father who buys nothing but fat fucking junk. I want that life. All i need to do is make it through today without any food. I am allowing soda for today. just to keep up my blood sugar. Tomorrow ill cut it down to one the none the next day. I’ll keep water fasting after that until i am forced to eat. I hope i can lose 5-8 pounds this week. If i can keep it up i hope i can lose 10-18 pounds. I’ll probably have to eat at the Ren Fair. Just lunch. When i get home I’m so tired from running all over the place(Watching kids mostly) that ill take a bath and go straight to bed. If i can’t keep it low Cal (planning on a salad that around 250-300 cals at most)i should keep losing weight throughout the week. During the week ill fast. I hope by the end of May i can weight 135ish. By the end of summer i should weight 120ish if i keep it up. I’m want to weight ,at the most, by the end of the summer 135. It would be a goof weight. I really need to stop planning for the future. But summer is just around the corner and i want a plan. I want one for the Ren Fair too. I want to lose and keep losing. I want to build muscle in the summer and just keep losing fat. I am using the school computer right now. I still need to talk to my mom about getting the internet turned on again now that my dad is working again. Ill also have to make of list of things i need to do. I can do that wall I’m up late tonight. Cant sleep and i don’t know why.

ssnap

Ok so starting my fast. Hope I can get away with it. Please go please let me get away with it. If I can lose 6 pound I will be happy. If I can keep going and lose 15 or 20 pound I go out and buy me some new pretty bras or something. Then ill start eating again slowly. Once im off the fast its a strict healthy 600 cal diet for a week or two and then fasting again. So an old guy friend contacted me. Not one that abused me but one. Used.to like back when I was being abused. I never told him I liked him cause of that fact. He was always super nice. A bit of a pervert at times but nothing to bad. He is a guy so I understand. But ya, he told me to add him on Facebook and I did. But there are two pictures of me in dresses that I look huge in that I cant untag myself in so he might see them. I am going to tell him im losing weight. Ill make up a lie that the doctor put me on a birth.control that made me gain and that im off of it and trying to loss it. Cause iv gain some pounds over the last time we talked. He will be grate support to so ya! He is really nice to so he shouldnt flip out. Shouldnt. Im kind of looking forward to talking with him again. He is joining the marines soon so thats like a huge pluse on my side. I love men who fight for our country. Big turn on. And he is a bit of a red neck. But in a cute way. Idk im not that picky with men so. He is older then me by like 2 years. He is 19 im 17 ill be 18 this year. He used to joke about him and me having sex in the back of.his truck when I turned 18. At least I think it was a joke. Idk. But ya. So he might come up in the future so we shall call him T. Also tomorrow im going to make a red bracelet to remind me not to eat. And ya I have to do laundry and get ready fir school so hopefully ill be to busy to eat. Im trying to stay up late so I sleep in and dont get up ,get bored and eat. MUST NOT EAT! And ya. Idk. My head hurts. broke down today. Nearly killed myself and said fuck it all. Had the blade to my wrist when my nephews and brother and sister walked in. Stopped me and calmed me down enough that I didnt do it. I want to say its a good thing but im not sure if it is. Cause I have never been so close before. Whose to say next time I flip I wont do it. What if I do. Then what? Well nothing duh but ...what? What happens after? Friends? Family? My stuff? Dose everything stay how it was after a week of crying then go back to normal? Like nothing happened? So easy to move on? No one cares? Forgotten so.easy? What? And if I dont do it how do I stop it? Iv get.worse....closer each time. Nothing to stop it. No one to call. What then? I know how im going to go. Its just the question of when do I finally snap.

God fucking damn shit ass hell of a mother fucking bitch. I fucking hate Facebook tag. I always look so fucking god damn fat. A fucking whale would look thinner then fucking me. I want to scream. I hate photos of me. Im going to my sisters tomorrow to remove the tag. And having to post of on a for damn phone is pissing me off with its god damn autocorrect that isnt even a god damn work and the space bar is not q fucking period. Im asking my mom if she will get internet again now that me dads working. Sorry for all the bad words. Sound like a sailor ha! Im just pissed. And im not on my period so its weird cause I want to brake something. I have no patients left. And I want to fucking fast but my moms a bitch and shoves food in my fucking face. And im fat! Ya 160 pound its fucking gay! So ya sorry just pissed

Computer

I logged on to a computer at work so i cant do a long post. Anyways i failed at fasting this week. Im such a fat cow i know. But ill start fasting Sunday again. Today im eating under 1000 tomorrow under 600 and saturday ill only eat dinner and maybe and egg for breakfast. Then ill fast until saturday where ill have soup and toast then a light dinner and back to fasting. ill post more later but ya Love ya stay strong\

ok

Ok my scale says I weight like 160.5 so thats good. And I start my fast tomorrow! Im going to try to eat little at dinner but you never know. Also I am very hopeful that I may get away with no food next family dinner. But that might just be a pipe dream. And I know I said I would never do a salt water flush again but I might do it at some point in my fast. That way im all clean. Im going to do just a water fast and hopefully I wont end up passing out or something from low blood sugar. And then like 3 ish days before I break my fast ill start drinking juice. Just to slowly get my body used to calories. Anyways...about P....ya have not stopped thinking about it. I can remember walking to class and knowing that he was right behind me. How the teacher placed both him and I in the same group. Him having trouble folding the napkins...so I folded him a flower. Granted the other girl took it but what ever. He wanted to put it on my plate but I said it was ok she had it. Besides I wanted one folded by him. I remember him trying to fallow me folding the flower but ended up lost. Him moving the salad bowl seconds after it being placed. Waiting in the back of the group so he would end up walking me to the table. Him trying to copy me in the way I sit( granted I sit up straight all the time but I didnt so.he wouldnt feel.bad). Him oddly looking at me over and over again as I tried to eat the salad without.a panic attack. Him laughing cause my hand where shaking and I couldnt eat. Then I ran out the room. Got back they where cleaning up and P asked me to help with dishes. So I did until the bell rang and I had to leave for work. But ya it made me happy. And he probably laughed as I tripped over my feet. I havnt been this happy over a guy in a long time. And when I lose 20 pounds from my fast(i plan to go 23 days hopefully) maybe he will like me alittle bit. Just alittle. Idk. Maybe im being a freak and thinking to much into it and he just wanted a good grade. Maybe for my 18th birthday ill be a creep and get a room at the hotel he works at. Sometimes I worry I might end up a stalker. Anyways off.to do the dishes and still some water and sleeping pill for tomorrow so I sleep all day and never have to leave my room.

Ok I wasnt going.to post today but....i think I might now have a huge crush on P. So in foods we have to do a dinner that we did today and P was setting the table. So the girl who was doing salad was putting salad on the table. I told her no dressing on mine. And she put it at a random spot. Well P room my salad and moved it right across from him. So ya than P waited until this other guy in the group escorted the girl and then he took me to my spot. Right infront of him. Also as we where eating P kept looking over at me and would try to sit up stright like me. And would put his head down when he couldnt. Anyways ya he did a bunch of little things that just made me like him. Alot. I still think.he likes S but whatever ill get thin and then he will like me. Hopefully. So ya. Pretty happy right now. And am pretty sure I wont stop thinking about him all weekend. I did freakout cause I have a hard time being touched.and eating.in front of others so I pretty much ran out the class room to calm down. Anyways im at work so ill tell you everything.when I get home.

Salt water flush worked. Just took 3 ish hours. Didnt lose anything still 162 but hey im clean. Had a pudding and the rest of my chocolate bunny(170 total) and my other one melted so im just going to let me dad eat it. Ill have another pudding fir lunch(60) and then ill try to fast the rest of the day. I am hoping I can fast next week. And hopefully lose 5 or 8 pounds. Cause then ill have made both my first and second goal. Then hopefully not eat alot on the weekend and fast the next week too. Tomorrow we will be out of pudding but ill have toast(70) with Pam butter spray(0) and maybe put some cinnamon on it. Or ill just go to the store and but more pudding. I am going to try and go on walks over the weekend and put in more situps in the morning and when I get home from work. Or during work.

Did the salt water flush. It was horribly cause I put in a ton of salt for it to work. So gross. And it (TMI) gave me gas. Pluse its been an hour and hasnt done anything. It is making my body make weird noises. So I hope its just taking its time cleaning out really well. But it did make me not hungery so my intake for today is 150 (counting gum) so thats good. I might just drink salt water to keep me from eating. Ill probably just do another fast next week to clean it out. Oh and it made me tired(no idea why). I was reading up on birth control and it said some can make you lose like ten pounds and make your boobs bigger. I like my boobs but losing ten pounds would be wicked. I weigh about 162. Thats at the end of the day with water salt and pudding in me pluse wet hair and cloths. Yes I ate pudding cause it only had 60 calories. And I had two (breakfast and lunch). I will probably do that again tomorrow cause of foods class. I burn 300 at my job so thats should make up for all the foods class stuff ill eat. Or maybe we wont even make anything so I wont have to eat. You all are going to think this weird but I want to be a cook. I love cooking. Just not eating. Odd I know but I can make a dinner that has 250 cal taste good and is filling. I also want to be an airline pilot, a hair dresser, a writer and a corner. I will be able to do airline and hair and maybe writer but chef and corner I dont have the money for schooling. Heres something wrote when I first feel in love with C: Why must my dead heart beat for you my blood pump for you my dry and shrivled eyes shine for you my limpless fingers reach for you my bloodless lips turn red with lust for you my death, pale face blush for you My hair and skin feel like silk for you why must i live for you breath for you think for you move for you why must i love you

All hopes of fasting will end in fail this week. Only one reason. I got my period....ya its sucks. Luckly my mom is gona put me on birth control so I wont get them as much! Also when I get my period I normally put on weight like one to two pounds so that hopefully means iv lost weight cause my weight didnt change. Anyways ya. I had a 350 ish cal breakfast. I know thats alot but tomorrow ill hard boil an egg and eat that. It will be 70 cal if I put nothing on it. And then hopefully tonight andtomorrow night ill have soup and thats 310 at the most so I shouldnt go over. 1000 ya! I got my ren fair dress and its alittle small but still fits so it will hopefully be less tight when I lose atleast ten pounds. I want to lose 15 or twenty but I have 4 week tops so it might happen with 15 but twenty is most likely a dream unless I fast next week and the week after. But Saturdays are to had to avoid even foods class so it should most likely be 15 and im ok with that cause ill be in the 140s and I havnt been there for about 4 year. And we only have 7 weeks of school left so ill.have all summer to fast and work out so im hope by the end of summer ill be in the 120s im not going to push this goal cause as you get smaller the weight is harder to lose. But still Also I found a way to motivate me to start working out. The end of the world! Ya I know it wont happen and probably not in my life time. But our state is due for a big 8. Something earthquake and it might just be what I need. I also need to get used to less food cause there wont be any so I should prep my body now wall I can.(yes iv been watching.dooms day prepares and all of the people on the show are on the chubby side mostly so it help motivate me) but ya. And I want to learn parkor cause its a grate work out and is really cool looking and could help.with end of the world. I know really stupid but its ok. As long as im skinny nothing eles matter. Im also putting money in a jar to save up for pants and stuff. So that way im not spending it on food. I got like 5 dollars but its a start and less calories. I saw N today. I just waved and kept walking. Ill see P at the end of the day(if he is here). Speaking of P this was a few weeks ago but we had to wear glasses and ear plugs to feel like an old person for class and P went right up to my face. So close I could smell his breath. And said something stupid . But it was really. I dont know. Dorky and I stopped breathing and was pretty sure I turned alittle red. Then he did it again cause he thought my eyes.looked cool(everyone dose). It made me alittle happy. Even though I sure he like S. She thin and pretty and ya. But she dose seem like she might have a rude side. Im sad though cause P graduates this year. I know where he works so I could stalk him after(creepy) but I think I would look weird randomly walking around a hotel when I dont have a room. So ya next year. No crushes will go to my school. Also I was texting R last night cause he is leaving school cause his family lost their home. And he was all sad and stuff and took way to many pills. So I said.if he did it again I would cut myself. (clean for 3 months) then I felt bad after for pulling that card. I just didnt want him hurting himself. I mean I know hes sad and stuff but people truly care and love him. I did tell him how I lost my house and other things. Nothing about the ED . But ya. So ....idk iv rambled long enough. Later

Havnt gained or lost. Hopefully this week ill fast if not lose two it 3 pounds not going over 600

ttrue story

"may I please sit in the back with ray" she said this. And I had to agree.i watched as she cuddled him. I blasted the car AC in hopes it would freez my heart. A tear falls. 'dammit you cant cry here' I tell myself. I need to throw up. All the places are closed. Gas station maybe a tree. Cnt tthey will question. Pull over and just walk off. Cant they will fallow. How am I supposed to release this pain. I roll down the window. I need to scream. I hear something. Their talking. Turn up the music I musten hear their words. She lays downonn him. 'im not eating tomorrow' I tell my self. It calms me when it shouldnt. Breath. Tired. Ill fast until he leaves. When he comes back ill stop. Dose she know I like him? Dose he? Im fat Its a normal thing to hear in my head. 'good'i calm myself 'she is still here' As long as she loves me i know one day he will to. And together we cant count my bones

Got my scale im so happy! I didnt fast today but I will tomorrow ill get up clean my room and then watch a movie around 5 ill take 3 sleeping pills a sleep til midnight and weight myself im laying in bed now looking at two dresses that I want to get for the ren fair but cant pick what one.im think the red rose one its small enough that when I lose 10-15 pounds it will still fit. Anyways night time. Good night

Buying my scale tomorrow. My moms said I gained about 2 pound probably 3 after today. I bought zero cal flavored water and made a list of things to do so I dont eat tomorrow. I cant wait to be at my first goal (158) so I can work on my second (155). I like to make small goals cause there easy to get to so ill most likely get to it. Im going to make a list of reward for when I get to each goal. I think at 148 or maybe 152 ill buy some summer pants maybe get them a tiny bit smaller so when I lose more weight they will still fit for some time. Ummm. Ya. I hope I can go for a walk tomorrow. My sister and I are gona go look at dresses for the ren fair when she gets off work. Hopefully burn off a hundred calories or so. Im gona try and not eat with her cause she tends to buy me food every now and then but ill just say all I want is a drink and she will probably let it go. Most of this week im just gona sleep and clean. Hopefully ill take a nap when my mom gets home and get out of dinner. I took out $60 from the bank to buy my scale and ill put the rest in a jar for my summer pants. Anyways. Wish you all luck!

Had to break my fast yesterday had a sleep over and ate to much over 2000 probable so ya. I after alot today to but I fasting tomorrow. Im gona and get rid of all the tempting food. And im making a list of stuff to do to avoid eating so ya. Im gona buy my scale tomorrow so ill tell you how much iv gained. Oh my last weight in was 159.8 so ya most likely gained 5 pounds. But who know maybe I wont eat the rest of today. In fact I wont but I am gona go to the store and buy zero cal flavored water at the dollar store. Anyways ill post more later hopefully from a computer

third day of fasting

On my third day of fasting. Feel grate alittle tired but grate. I lost too I weight 160 today. And 158 is my first goal so im getting close. Tomorrow is family night but I have played a movie night with my best friend H so ill be able to get out of it. Tell her I ate at home and my parents I ate at her house. Its perfect. I feel really thirsty too soo ill be drinking more water.today im gona go to the mall walk around. Then go for a drive and try to stay out past ten. Cause thats when my parents go to bed. Sunday im going to try my best to avoid food. But its gona be hard. But I can go buy my scale that day so im lookingforward to that. Also I found a few cute dresses.for the ren fair. Well back to work. See ya

ssorry

Been doing really bad I wouldnt say binged but I did eat more than normal so ill have to get back on track. So today I had half a small can of olives (45) and I plan to have fruit or something for lunch as long as its under 100 cal. For dinner im going to have beans and an egg just under 300 cal. And tomorrow ill have a small bowl of cereal with no milk. So 110 cal and dinners gona be about 400-500. Ya family night is gross food night. Im going to start walking now that its warming up and do sit ups and leg work outs every night...and as many push ups as I can. Im going to look up things I can do in my small space of a room to burn calories. Next month (April) im buying a scale thats $50 for my room so I can weight whenever I want. That way I dont need to sneak into my moms room butt naked when I think no ones looking. And im going to find a cheap rug to do sit ups on so my wood floor wont hurt my but and im able to do more situps. Then im going to put money aside for pants when mine get to big so I can go by some and not have to wait cause I spent all my money. Also I plan to dye my hair in may and buy a sun dress for a ren fair costume. Im going to be a fairy at my sisters both . If I get the guts to post a picture of me ill show you what I look like in my dress and.fairy wings but I will for sure show pictures of everything eles. So ya that in itself is over $100. Maybe ill just dye my hair myself and save $40. Ya thank god I have a job....also anyone who might have an idea on a good scale let me know. I want something nice. So ya after work if the weather stays nice ill go for a walk and.maybe burn 150 calories or something might even.walk to my sisters and use her computer and take my nephew for a walk. Then come home and do sit ups leg lifts and push up . Maybe read alittle before bed. Then tomorrow...who knows

sstupid teacher

Had to eat in foods.class. Today was 400 cal because I dont plan to eat for the rest of the day. Tomorrow ill fast...again. Try to not eat Saturday only have soup at the most. So P didnt even know my name until today....epic fail. Must have seen the stupid drop from my face. Did see N and we talked for a few until this guy Z butter in and N left...i hate him right now. Anyways after work im gona run home take a bath and go straight to bed. Again no computer so sorry for any errors.

grr

My last post had so many errors. Im sorry this phone sucks. Ill try to post from a computer tomorrow. I didnt count calories. Im a fucking fail. Im starting a fast tomorrow. Lol I said. Plan to stay in my room all day re read winter girls maybe ho.but another book. also plan to knit some more. Keeps my mind off of things. Sleep take a hot bath and get ready for school tomorrow. I get to see N tomorrow too. I weighed 164 this morning ....most likely gained a pound. Have tomato soup for Friday st the end of the fast. Umm ya thats it.

ii just dont kne

Pissed at my mom....ill eat tomorrow at dinner but thats it. Ill fast Sunday up until Friday ill have soup that night. And then eat dinner again Saturday and repeat. Im not sure if its me or what but my emotions are creaking out. These are things iv never felt before. Emotions scare me enough as it is after being abused for 4 year I dont need new ones.starting me. I cant hold on ti ny thought. Im missing them to fast. Ones I hang onto revolve around weight and food an.fear. I just wish my mom would suck it up and take me to a doctor ti I dint Jane to feel like shit all the time. My mind is missing its grip. I went numb ice before and um scared its gona happen again. Breath is all I can tell myself. I find my self wanting to fall asleep girls up in bed and lay there. No effort. No nothing. Just turn to dust and fade away. How do you tell people this. Explains to them this sick feeling. I want to tell...just cant. It feels like the razor blade is calling me. " its ok ...im here....ill make you feel what you need. Ill fix everything" wall the air becomes tight like ropes holding me down I try ti scream out but I am the the victim of my own abuse. I want to say its his fast. That man that abused me. Took away my soul. He made me feel this way. But how can he still cause pain without being here. The wounds he left did they never heal? Whats so wrong with me that I feel this way.... I just want to cry out Mommie please me the pain stop. I want to beg for a death for will never grant me I just want it to stop. Please I can keep this up much longer. I cant keep living like this. Someone help me before I send myself to.hell.

Day Three

I dont really feel all that hungry. And im scared im gona have to eat. Im doing so well but my moms really pushing the food (no more than normal but still). God i dont even know anymore. I can finally do it and she is stoping me. Pushing gross fatty unhealthy foods in my face and saying eat it. I can understand where she is coming from. Being a mother you want your child to be healthy and happy. Not starving them self. So ya today might mark the end. As helpful as weekends are for a fast. Its just to hard to get around a needy mother without making her cry. I just dont know. Im not giving in easy though im going to push this as far as i can. Im going to go home take a frozen dinner heat it up and dump it down the sink then leave it on the counter(this is fairly common of me to do). that way she will think i ate cause there will be one less in the freezer and it will be on the counter. No prof it went in and none that it didnt. Anyways im at my brothers house so im going to walk home in a little. (should have brought headphones). Later.

Computer at School

I got a computer at school so YA! But my friend is trying to read it so i have to be careful cause she is sitting right next to me. She is also trying to read it. I just told her i go on here to rant so she dosnt know:). Day two of that fast so far is going grate but ya day three is tomorrow and im sacred how hard its going to be. What ever. Im going to hang out with M(the girl sitting next to me) after work today. I promised to feed her so ill just try to get away with a drink. I plan to stay out until 11 or 12 just to avoid dinner. Then tomorrow i have no school so im going to stay home and read. Then when my parents get home im going to go for a drive and maybe walk around the mall some more(100 calories burned every hour). We are going to go to the mall and walk around but im going to keep away from the food court til M get hungry then just order a drink and say my tummy is Little up set. Lie and say the juice she gave me earlier tasted funny and probably had something wrong with it. Ill try to order a diet but i cant be sure i might get a regular just so I dont look to questionable. Maybe I'll see P at the mall. I saw him there two weeks ago so there is alittle hope. I did see N today walking down the halls. Didnt say high like i always do. Normally when i dont talk to him he spends the day trying to get my attention. Its rather cute. But when i do talk to him he normally dosnt do much soooo. Tomorrow when my parents are at work im go to clean my room the kitchen the down stairs and maybe the bathroom (all places the will see). That way the will think nothing because of all the good things iv done. And dont worry about me cleaning the kitchen and eating everything in sight. If i feel a need to eat ill just go out side and pick up dog poop. If its still there ill clean something gross Got to go Ill post more later

fsay day one

Today went well. But its not the hunger that gets ti me its the strong cravings. I pray u can make it through tomorrow. I bought wintergirls today. I love the author so im already enjoing it avoided diner today too? So tomorrow im going to walk around the mall til it closes then go for a drive and come home for a sleep. If I lose 25 pounds from this fast I get to buy myself pants and.a shirt! Saturday im going to cost a friend who lives an hour away. Cant wait. Most likely no food so thats good. Im tired so im off to bed ill post again tomorrow hopefully. From a computer

sometimes im to scared to face the morning

Today I had about 600 cal. School was ok. I woke up late though and missed first period. I did see N today (a guy I like who might like me back) sometimes im never sure with him. He will flirt one day and seem interested and the next day he wont. I think maybe it was just a Monday thing. He was really nice other then the lack of flirting. Then theres P (a guy I like who dosnt like me back) he broke his arm and has been on some drugs for it so he was out of it today. I think he likes S (a girl in my foods class) cause he is just....i dont know... has a energy when it comes to her. She is thin and beautiful. Then I had work 3 hours walking around vaccuming rooms (300 cals burned) and then I filled in for some one so another 2 and a half hours walking up and down stairs (300 cals burned). So ya im doing ok but I need to eat lass tomorrow. So heres what I got in plan One egg-70 cal An apply -80cal And dinner is unknown so about 300-400 cal ill try to keep it low Pluse 300 cals burned off at work and maybe a walk cause its been so beautiful lately. If I do go for a walk I want it to be 2-3 hours so I can have all my calories burned off and then some sit ups and stuff. Hopefully ill fallow it. I do have to do homework tomorrow so maybe ill wake up early and do that. Then get the rest done at home. Im only failing two classes so hopefully i.can get that fixed and pass. Anyways love ya lots! Bye.

it gets better tomorrow

Today, I could tell from the moment I woke up, did go, and wont finish, as planned. Yesterday failed too. I did go foodless for 40 hours but binged the moment I came home for lunch. Next time during a fast ill be more prepared. This weekend well the one coming up is three days so I shall start a fast Wednesday and have the three days to get over the hardest part. Until the I plan to eat small amouts just to not make my stomach grow .i will eat eggs for protien and try my hardest to only eat fruits and veggies. So today I pretty much was lazy. I did clean my room and when my parents leave I plan to make lunch ,veggies maybe an egg, and catch up on homework before the term is over. I shall make a goal list and post it next time of things I want to do this term. Maybe even plan ahead for the summer with is coming up. Like I said by May , well mid April really, I want to loss thirty (30) pounds. Which by the time I weight my self last time (168) I should be 138. Which isnt grate but its better then what im at right now I only plan to fast for two week, just to shrink my stomach so im not hungry all the time. Then I shall go on a 550 cal diet. I add the fifty(50) for any mishaps that might happen. Like eating at a friends house or something. Which of the 500 will mainly be eggs for protein and fruits and veggies. I also like to make up random dishes that taste good and are low cal so I will post those on here. So my stats are: HW 188 LW 145 CW 168 Goal weight it 118 Height 5'6 and a half Ya any questions let me know. Hopefully I will be able to post from a computer at school. I have to use my phone right now cause we are.short on money and had to shut off our internet. Anyways love ya lots!

meet Jane Doe

Hello my name is Jane Doe. But that isnt my real name. I hope you will respect my wishes when I tell you I would like to remain anonymous. This blog will document my struggles with becoming thinand beautiful. It will hold my deepest darkest most kept secrets . I will start off by providing some information about myself. First off I am a 17 year old girl. I attend public schooling and am interested it a boy in my cooking class. I like to fast and loss weight. When im up set I cut on the bottomm of my feet. As I type this my parents are yelling at one another. I work as a janitor at my school vaccuming rooms for three hours. Im fail most of my classes right now but next term I plan I aim for straight A's I want to loss 30 pounds by May. And this is my life.