ssnap

Ok so starting my fast. Hope I can get away with it. Please go please let me get away with it. If I can lose 6 pound I will be happy. If I can keep going and lose 15 or 20 pound I go out and buy me some new pretty bras or something. Then ill start eating again slowly. Once im off the fast its a strict healthy 600 cal diet for a week or two and then fasting again. So an old guy friend contacted me. Not one that abused me but one. Used.to like back when I was being abused. I never told him I liked him cause of that fact. He was always super nice. A bit of a pervert at times but nothing to bad. He is a guy so I understand. But ya, he told me to add him on Facebook and I did. But there are two pictures of me in dresses that I look huge in that I cant untag myself in so he might see them. I am going to tell him im losing weight. Ill make up a lie that the doctor put me on a birth.control that made me gain and that im off of it and trying to loss it. Cause iv gain some pounds over the last time we talked. He will be grate support to so ya! He is really nice to so he shouldnt flip out. Shouldnt. Im kind of looking forward to talking with him again. He is joining the marines soon so thats like a huge pluse on my side. I love men who fight for our country. Big turn on. And he is a bit of a red neck. But in a cute way. Idk im not that picky with men so. He is older then me by like 2 years. He is 19 im 17 ill be 18 this year. He used to joke about him and me having sex in the back of.his truck when I turned 18. At least I think it was a joke. Idk. But ya. So he might come up in the future so we shall call him T. Also tomorrow im going to make a red bracelet to remind me not to eat. And ya I have to do laundry and get ready fir school so hopefully ill be to busy to eat. Im trying to stay up late so I sleep in and dont get up ,get bored and eat. MUST NOT EAT! And ya. Idk. My head hurts. broke down today. Nearly killed myself and said fuck it all. Had the blade to my wrist when my nephews and brother and sister walked in. Stopped me and calmed me down enough that I didnt do it. I want to say its a good thing but im not sure if it is. Cause I have never been so close before. Whose to say next time I flip I wont do it. What if I do. Then what? Well nothing duh but ...what? What happens after? Friends? Family? My stuff? Dose everything stay how it was after a week of crying then go back to normal? Like nothing happened? So easy to move on? No one cares? Forgotten so.easy? What? And if I dont do it how do I stop it? Iv get.worse....closer each time. Nothing to stop it. No one to call. What then? I know how im going to go. Its just the question of when do I finally snap.