Computer

Finaly a computer! I cant wait for my mom to get the internet again. Im going to talk to her about it later. Today when into the hell hole. I had two small peices of cake. 150 each. 300 pluse my apple that is 85.and a bite of cookie and some lemonade so 100. thats 485 and its only 8:14 am. Im a pig. Ill go home and have a salad. Should be 200. Dinner ill try to get away with just an apple.(85) That is 770. Its under 1000 but still isnt good. I am filling in at work for someone. That is 600 cal burned at work and ill take my dog for a walk to burn another 100-200 hopefully. God everything would have gone as planned if my teacher didnt make that stuff and my firneds didnt shove it at me. My head already hurts from the sugar. Anyways. Tomorrow will be better right! Tomorrow will be two apple and a salad. Hopefully under 600 calories. Well ya. So this weekend ill be driving down town to see my friend. Havnt seen her in a few months though so. She was raped by her step dad. Very sad and i miss her. She is always so bright. Its nice knowing she wont let things get her down. Im going to give her this necklace of mine that she like. She graduated this year. i graduate next year. I also signed up for a collage class. Its my back up plan for a job. I hope i get in so i dont have to worry about not having a back up plan. Please let me get it. I should have done this last year. anyways ill talk to you guys later.

hi

You have no idea how tired I am. It was the final day of ren fair and I took my cousin. I dont like her very much. And she boy hunted all day. Even sat at an older mans age cause she like.older men. Um she is 16....really. It was nice thought cause.she was.chubbier then me. Looked like.she put on weight. Also I found an old pair of jeans that are a tad to small so they are my goal to fit in them. Tomorrow meal plan: 1 kiwi=50 1 apple=80 Dinner???=350 After dinner or before I will take my dog for a really long walk. I want to try and go around this path by our house cause one time around is one.mile. I would like to do two or three. Maybe run it. Then come home and do crunchs and other things. Take a bath and go to bed. I want to lose 2-3 pounds this week. I think I gained but I have not looked. I ate like crap these past three weeks. I bet I am 167. But ill tell you on my next post. Any ways bed time I am to tired.

A few days ago I found out I fit into a size 10. Ya its still a large size and its alittle tight but it fits. And iv been wearing a size 14 that was always to fucking lose. I didnt have to pull up my pants once! It was pretty cool to me also doing another salt water flush. I know so soon. But iv been eating like crazy so I thought it be a good punishment. My parents think my grandpa is going to die. There wrighting up his will and everything....i know I should care but I dont....he has lied to me and acted like he loved me when he dosnt. My parents are talking about my drugie aunt.and how shes back on drugs and is losing weight. She is getting real skinny . Dont care. This augest when we go see my brother I want to be 140 atleast if not lower. And I will lose it. This summer ill have time to work out. Hope I can do 45 mins at a minimum. I would like to do an hour but I wont push it. Eat as.little as i.can.

Today I have not ate. Nothing but water so thats good. Hope I can keep it up until Friday or Saturday. The Ren Fair is this weekend but ill do my best not to eat. Thursday we are going to so set up. Sometimes they have food but I can get away with not eating. So hopefully I can lose five to ten pounds before. I read you can lose like 4 pounds a day on a water fast! So I hope I can lose two a day or something. That way ill fit into my dress alittle better. I do want to take work off on a Friday or two. Hopefully I can. So today im going to be taking a bath in alittle then going to bed. Hopefully. I cant sleep well at night so I might read a book and knit for alittle. Then maybe I dont know. No foods class tomorrow so I dont have to worry about that. Speaking of foods P lied for me. The teacher asked is I had a bite and I said I did but she didnt believe me. The never dose. Then P spoke up and told her I did and flat out said " leave her alone". I wanted to cry or something. No one dose that for me. And he has been really nice lately. Im not saying he likes my but his kindness is amazing. So ya when my show is over im going to go get ready for tomorrow. Which is a supper ready cause I wax my eye borrows and do other stuff that take up to an hour ish. By the time.im done I feel pretty good about myself. Other then being a fat pig once im done im almost pretty. Once im thin I will hopefully be pretty. Maybe even get P to like me. But I cant become thin in like 3-4 weeks. But I can make myself look better. Also when I hit 150 I get to dye my hair. So I am putting money into my savings.account just incase I reach that goal this month. I plan to.spend about 100 dollars this month. Which is crazy cause 80% of it is for my hair. And the other is for the Ren fair. But I might not reach my goal so I could have alot more money next month then I would think. So I wont have to spend money on that. Pluse next month after school is out ill have a week of working 6 hours. So I should have a larger pay check. I plan to put 100 in savings for a trip ill be taking to cost my brother whose in the navy. Thats in augest. I want to be 130 or 125 by then. Maybe ill get a navy boy or twos number. I need 500 for a plane ticket. And spending money. Pluse money that ill spend before the trip. Which might be dtiny my hair again and buying some new cloths. Then after going back to.school shopping. Omg! So much spending! Anyways bath time.

So im going to try and be myself from now on. Cause pleasing people is to fucking hard. Im still going to loss weight and shit. Most likely not very healthy like. But fuck it ya know. Im me and thats all I can be. So no more acting fake or stupid shit. Im not going to out to myself either. Im going to lose this weight and be happy! So first thing to know about the real me I am bisexual. I have nerd been able to admitte it but now I will. I am very picky when it comes to girls though. Infact there are two girls I have had a crush on. Both my friends. One I think is straight. The other is bi but has a girlfriend. So ya....iv never flat out said im bi...i mean I knew it just didnt want to say it. Second I like being a girl! I like pretty things! I like dresses! I want to go to a dance people! I get boy crushes and girl crushes! So ya! Eat it. Infact I might just ask G (the girl I like thats straight) to homecoming next year! I dont care if it is as friends. Third I like Taylor swift and screamo! So shut up! I love music I dont care what it is! No one can say they love music as much as me! Ill listen to anything! I listen to Korean music and German music! I love it all not just english! Fourth im a fucking wiccan! And I a damn proud! So stop saying I worship the devil.cause I dont! I worship mother earth , the god and the goddess! Fifth I am very forgiving and and understanding. So go ahead tell me anything and I will still be your friend. Ya im shy but I understand the best I can. Five complete truths about me. Oh and I asked out N. To the movies. Supper happy. Ren fair next week. Hopefully I can lose some weight during it. Also I want wait for the summer to start running. Im going to eat nothing but 150 cal salads for lunch and dinner and an egg for breakfast. That 370 a day and ill burn 600 ish at work easy. Pluse 30 mins of running at home is another 200-300 so thats amazing. Hopefully ill burn over 1000 on a normal day. I want to dye my hair so at 150 pounds thats my reward. And for every.ten pounds ill do something big like that and every five something small. Still 160 I think ill weight myself later Stay strong hope your doing better then me.

dear god please

I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wan I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. a die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die. I just wana die . I just wana die. I just wana die.

Really ?!

Ate yesterday. Not today. I’ll be way to busy. After work I’m going to try to go for a walk. Take my dog with me or something. I want to do this every day because I’m to tired/ lazy to run. In the summer when i get off around one in the afternoon ill start running. I’ll try to run for about 45 mins and then get cleaned up and watch my nephews. After that my dad will be home so I’ll take my dug for a walk or something. But that’s not till summer so i have to wait. In the meantime ill fast. i want to fast clear into next week but weekends are hard for me. All i want to do is eat none stop. Most likely out of boredom. So I’ll have to keep busy. Try to sleep all day. Then take a bath right before family dinner. Idk. I’ll think of something. Maybe i can fake sick or something. I’m never hungry when I’m sick. God this pisses me off. The min i get to live on my own I’m going to keep no food in my house. I’ll be able to do whatever i want. Be as thin as i want. Not have a mother shove food in my mouth. Or a father who buys nothing but fat fucking junk. I want that life. All i need to do is make it through today without any food. I am allowing soda for today. just to keep up my blood sugar. Tomorrow ill cut it down to one the none the next day. I’ll keep water fasting after that until i am forced to eat. I hope i can lose 5-8 pounds this week. If i can keep it up i hope i can lose 10-18 pounds. I’ll probably have to eat at the Ren Fair. Just lunch. When i get home I’m so tired from running all over the place(Watching kids mostly) that ill take a bath and go straight to bed. If i can’t keep it low Cal (planning on a salad that around 250-300 cals at most)i should keep losing weight throughout the week. During the week ill fast. I hope by the end of May i can weight 135ish. By the end of summer i should weight 120ish if i keep it up. I’m want to weight ,at the most, by the end of the summer 135. It would be a goof weight. I really need to stop planning for the future. But summer is just around the corner and i want a plan. I want one for the Ren Fair too. I want to lose and keep losing. I want to build muscle in the summer and just keep losing fat. I am using the school computer right now. I still need to talk to my mom about getting the internet turned on again now that my dad is working again. Ill also have to make of list of things i need to do. I can do that wall I’m up late tonight. Cant sleep and i don’t know why.